I was trying to figure out why the last post was dated Friday, but it only contained stuff about Thursday. Duh. It was because I wrote it after midnight. Because it didn't contain any stuff about how I was in the hospital until 7pm on Friday too. We had tried to dialyze a patient, but his blood was so thick that it wouldn't go through the membrane. So we had to do pheresis instead, and hope that it would make it less viscous so that we could do the dialysis on Sat (it worked). We also have a patient whose kidneys have failed ( http://ladywiththelampnot.blogspot.com/2005/08/oh-what-morning.html ) who is now in the ICU. On Friday morning he needed to be intubated. I was there b/c we were changing things with his dialysis. I was also talking to his wife, and explaining, and trying to comfort her a little. The staff finally had her go into the waiting room, and when I left a little later to go downstairs I her alone, bent double in a chair, crying. Ever cry so hard that you feel like you're going to just explode? That's how she was crying. There was just nothing that I could do at that point except sit next to her and put my arms around her. I think that it helped just a little bit.
Honestly, my job isn't usually like this. It has its ups and downs, but this has been one of the worst weeks that I remember. And the problem is that that makes other things worse.
Succinctly put, I have depression. Technically it's post partum depression, but the "baby" is 7! But I was never able to come off of medications. The post partum stuff was beyond awful, and I ended up with an 8 day stay in a psych unit of the hospital where I now work. At that point being locked up was a really good idea. (At some point I'm probably going to write about that, but this is a quick outline of some of the symptoms that I had: